Friday, September 10, 2004 AD Envy Donna of Quiet Life wrote a few days ago about jealousy (the September 4 entry -- permalinks aren't working) and I wrote the following in her comments:
A big struggle for me has been envy of people who've had more privileges growing up. Not necessarily material privileges, though that's part of it, but more along the lines of having stable parents (especially fathers) who raised them to be stable adults. It took me a long time to stop being overcome by bitterness every time I saw a father interacting lovingly with his daughter. But now I can rejoice and praise God when I see that! It took me even longer to say, "Thank you, Lord, for arranging my life exactly the way You have done." I'm not quite to the point of delighting in that, but at least I can peacefully submit to it a little bit better and stop whining (and why-ning) about it so much.
Now today Dawn of The Dawn Patrol reminds me of another thing that tempts me to envy -- hearing how God has instantly delivered someone from some temptation or other.
In Dawn's case, "the Lord healed me from my depression at the moment I received my faith at 31." I've known others who *snap* were free of anger or addictions or other besetting sins upon their conversion as adults. Like Dawn, I've struggled with depression since my teens. Unlike Dawn, I experienced no changed-in-a-moment cure. Things have gotten better, to be sure, but there are still days when the thought of flinging myself off a roof has a certain appeal. Dave, a member of one of my former churches, used to fly violently off the handle at the slightest provocation. Then he got saved and hasn't had a fit of rage in all the years since. Like Dave, I have a scary-big monster of a temper. Unlike Dave, I haven't had a fit of rage since Wednesday.
I'm sure we've all heard similar testimonies from adult converts, and while I can praise God for the mercy He has shown to such brothers and sisters, I have a hard time not complaining that He doesn't transform me with similar drama and alacrity. Why, why, why? I've asked for years. Of course the answer to my why-ning is a) "None of your business," and b) "Because I'm doing something different with you, which is my prerogative as the Sovereign Lord of the Universe" (if I may be so bold as to paraphrase Him). Of course I need to repent of my rebellious attitude that dares to give policy to God and doesn't trust Him to sanctify me when and how He will according to His good pleasure. And I need repent of my ingratitude, falling on my face daily to thank Him for not treating me as my sins deserve. Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 9/10/2004 03:35:00 PM
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