Saturday, February 15, 2003 AD Family Fortune "Remember Jack Miller used to say we confess that God loves us but hesitate to say that he likes us. In line with that observation, it is an amazing thing that God gives us himself as an inheritance. But it is exponentially more amazing that he tells us that we are his inheritance, as if he is a minor waiting for the resurrection to come into his family fortune. Can anyone get their brain around that?" (From Mark H.)
One of my biggest struggles in life has been getting over the feeling that God loves me in some sort of begrudging way -- that He merely perseveres in the duty. About 10 years ago, I remember really fretting over the question of whether God liked me. I never really got an answer, and the words of the question sort of went by the wayside, but the substance of it has never really gone away completely. One morning over a year ago, when I began to pray, I got the distinct image of God turning toward me with a smile and delightedly saying, "There's my girl!" It freaked. me. out. I wrote a bit about it here, bringing up the question of images and imagery, but that wasn't the real issue. The real issue was that it just didn't seem right to believe that God could have such an attitude toward me. Life has taught me not to expect love, so somehow love has become utterly unexpectable. Somehow I've come to believe in the objective truth of my unloveableness. On the plane of human relationships, this has meant that I am not allowed to ask for anything good -- no kindness, consideration, help, or affection -- and that I am not to be offended by anything bad -- neglect, rejection, betrayal or abuse. I am, of course, inconsistent in the practice of that false religion and often fail to keep its rules. But when its god reexerts himself, he is none too pleased with my rebellion and proceeds to beat the crap out of me in one way or another.
This syncretism is exhausting. "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief!" Posted by Valerie (Kyriosity) at 2/15/2003 01:43:00 AM
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